;DI Want a Divorce A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
If someone in a store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you might live in Kentucky
If your Dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Kentucky
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Kentucky
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A TRUE KENTUCKIAN WHEN: Vacation means going north or south on I-65 for the weekend You measure distance in hours You know several people who have hit deer more than once You often switch from heat to AC in the same day and back again You see people wearing camouflage at social events including weddings You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend or wife knows how to
use them "Down South" means Tennessee to you Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed You go out to a tailgate party every Friday You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Kentucky friends.
Last Edit: May 22, 2006 22:00:02 GMT -5 by Preston32
Ole is a farmer in Tennessee who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Kentucky, so he drives to kentucky, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home. He calls his neighbor, Sven, over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in kentucky, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Kentucky." ;D
Last Edit: May 24, 2006 0:02:41 GMT -5 by Preston32
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her , I will make you .
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot****ied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung." I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Rayban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
The woman gives him her license.
The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"
Post by DOCTOR FIELDS on Oct 27, 2006 8:30:10 GMT -5
Well today we went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done to make sure the baby was growing properly. The doctor was amazed to see what was on the screen. I didn't see anything wrong, everything looked perfectly normal to me? Do you all see anything wrong? Here is a picture of the ultrasound.