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jokes
Oct 28, 2006 23:46:46 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Oct 28, 2006 23:46:46 GMT -5
Only In Ky
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from The University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
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A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
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A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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The young man from Kentucky came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
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NEWS FLASH! - Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred! when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of Indiana students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
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An Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
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And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either
***this is my best one yet ;D***
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jokes
Oct 29, 2006 0:58:19 GMT -5
Post by rad15E on Oct 29, 2006 0:58:19 GMT -5
what do you call a tennesse farmer with a sheep under each arm---A PLAYBOY--
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jokes
Nov 26, 2006 18:05:23 GMT -5
Post by zackbandyr12 on Nov 26, 2006 18:05:23 GMT -5
kevin #90 likes to pick on kentucky
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jokes
Nov 27, 2006 19:35:20 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Nov 27, 2006 19:35:20 GMT -5
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it . Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR Heaven'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 98/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone!!!
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!
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jokes
Nov 27, 2006 22:12:35 GMT -5
Post by Froggett on Nov 27, 2006 22:12:35 GMT -5
What do you have when u got 99 chevrolet's and 1 ford?
Junk Yard and a Ride Home
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jokes
Dec 10, 2006 21:49:05 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Dec 10, 2006 21:49:05 GMT -5
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt. ;D
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jokes
Jan 7, 2007 21:52:54 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 7, 2007 21:52:54 GMT -5
There is a room with a dollar on the floor. There are three people standing in that room: a smart blonde, a dumb blonde, and Santa Claus. Who picks up the dollar?
The dumb blonde because the other two don't exist.
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jokes
Jan 7, 2007 22:00:20 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 7, 2007 22:00:20 GMT -5
One winter morning in kentucky, a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say; "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said; "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
Then the electric power went off. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband said... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time" ;D
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jokes
Jan 9, 2007 20:37:19 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 9, 2007 20:37:19 GMT -5
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? Two reasons:
a). all the DNA is the same and...
b). there's no dental records.
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Jan 9, 2007 20:41:24 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 9, 2007 20:41:24 GMT -5
THREE HILLBILLIES...
> Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
> 1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid...She bought an air conditioner..."
> > 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
> 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
> 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
> 1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
> > 2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
> > 3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
> > 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
> > 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker.
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jokes
Jan 9, 2007 20:43:02 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 9, 2007 20:43:02 GMT -5
TWO ALLIGATORS
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the nuts out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator,
"I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the nuts out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an not a very nice person and a briefcase
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jokes
Jan 9, 2007 20:47:15 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 9, 2007 20:47:15 GMT -5
ACURA Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
AMC All Makes Combined A Major Cost A Mutated Car A Morons Car Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Automobile Under Demonic Influence Another Ugly Deutsche Invention Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BMW Big Money Works Bought My Wife Brutal Money Waster Break My Window Break My Windshield Babbling Mechanical Wench Beastly Monstrous Wonder Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels Beautiful Mechanical Wonder Barely Moving Wreck Big Money Waste Big Money. Why? Big Money Works Born Moderately Wealthy Breaks Most Wrenches Bring More Wrenches Brings Me Women Brings More Women Broken Money Waster Broke My Wallet Broken Monstrous Wonder Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
DODGE Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere d**n Old Dirty Gas Eater Dead Old Dog Going East Dead On Day Guarantee Expires Dead On Delivery, Go Easy Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive
EDSEL Every Day Something Else Leaks
FIAT Failed Italian Automotive Technology Fix It Again, Tony! Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FORD Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge Fix Or Repair Daily Found On Road Dead Fast Only Rolling Downhill First On Race Day First On Recall Day Fabricated Of Refried Dung Fails On Rainy Days Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream Fatally Obese Redneck Driver Fault Of R&D Finally Obsolete Racing Device Fireball On Rear Denting First On Road to Dump First On Rust and Deterioration Fix Or Recycle Dilemma Flipping Over Results in Death Flipped Over Roadside Disaster Follow Our Rusty Dogsled Foot On Road Decelerates Forced On Reluctant Drivers Formed Of Rejected DNA Forwarded Once; Return Denied Forward Only; Reverse Defective Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin Fork Over Repair Dough Fouled Out Re-done Dodge Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration Free Or Reduced Drastically Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable Funny Old Rattling Dump (backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
GEO Good Engineering Overlooked
GM General Maintenance Great Mistake Garbage Motors Generally Miserable Grossly Misconceived Gluteus Maximus
GMC Garage Man's Companion Gotta Mechanic Coming? Generally Mediocre Cars Get More Chicks Gets Mechanics Crazy Gods Mechanical Curse Got More Crap Great Mountain Climber Great Motor Car
GTO Gas, Tires, Oil
HONDA Had One Never Did Again Hang On, Not Done Accelerating Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
JEEP Just Eats Every Part Junk Engineering Executed Poorly Just Empty Every Pocket
MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MG Money Guzzler
MGB Might Go Backwards
MGF Might Go Forward
MIATA My Intention Always To Accelerate
MOPAR Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously Most Often Passed At Races Mostly Old Parts And Rust Move Over People Are Racing Move Over Pontiac Approaching Rapidly My Old Pig Ain't Running My Only Problems Are Repairs
MUSTANG Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday
PINTO Put In Nickel To Operate Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PLYMOUTH Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PORSCHE Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB Send Another Automobile Back Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown Sad Attempt At Beauty Sorry Auto, Always Broken Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass The One You Ought To Avoid
TRIUMPH This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help! Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW Virtually Worthless
now im gonna add a few i grew up on. saab= sorry assed automobile ford= f**ked over rebuilt dodge ford= flip over read directions LTD=lazarus toy department subaru backwards= u r a bus ford=frequently oozes rust deposits GTO= going to ohio-ontario-oaklahoma ETC MOPAR= move over pontiac approaching rapidly
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Jan 28, 2007 0:08:00 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jan 28, 2007 0:08:00 GMT -5
Sidney is cruising along the highway when his car starts misfiring, losing power and, finally, stalling. Sidney steers the car to the side of the road and tries to re-start the engine without any luck. He calls AAA whose service man arrives a short while later, listens to the Sidney's account of the car's failure and lifts the hood of the car to start work. As he knows nothing about engines, Sidney wanders off a little way for a smoke. As he is returning to his car, the engine suddenly starts and runs without a single misfire or puff of smoke from the exhaust. "Brilliant!" declares Sidney, "You managed to fix it. Was it easy to do?". "Yeah", says the AAA service man "Just nuts in the carburetor". Sidney thinks for a second and says, "OK. How often should I do that then?"
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jokes
Jun 3, 2007 20:47:16 GMT -5
Post by Preston32 on Jun 3, 2007 20:47:16 GMT -5
Do You Have A.A.A.D.D. ?
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
… As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
… I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
… I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
… So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
… But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
… I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
… My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
… I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
… As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
… I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
… I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
… I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
… Someone left it on the kitchen table.
… I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
… I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
… So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
… Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
… At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
… Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
… I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
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Jun 21, 2007 0:28:29 GMT -5
Post by zackbandyr12 on Jun 21, 2007 0:28:29 GMT -5
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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