Post by zackbandyr12 on Jun 21, 2007 0:40:24 GMT -5
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.
One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.
Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!
Post by zackbandyr12 on Jun 21, 2007 0:44:19 GMT -5
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two very *friendly* persons."
Post by zackbandyr12 on Jun 21, 2007 1:02:44 GMT -5
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but`your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, And then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Post by zackbandyr12 on Jun 21, 2007 1:04:50 GMT -5
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand, and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush beh ind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"
Post by zackbandyr12 on Jun 21, 2007 1:13:36 GMT -5
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "I jumped down and walked out of the office. My coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"